It seems that my entire life altered when I ran into the psychopath that I married. I recognize that I alone have categorized him as such with his female therapist labeling him as bipolar. Learning of the latter straight from the starting gate of marriage, I was surprised, but as yet, not stunned. Being used, denigrated, having my sense of reality and belief systems assaulted, and quite abruptly discarded when the replacement had been located, I existed in a "what is real?" quandary for more than two years. I still appeared to function, although not as joyfully or productively as "pre-psychopath."
In the past, I would confess that I had been forever changed and I regarded that with no small sadness and loss of some ephemeral essence. More to the point, I rather like the definition of an ephemeral stream - "a stream that flows only briefly during and following a period of rainfall in the immediate locality." Watching some British TV programming, I stumbled upon a series, "DNa," in which the lead character working in forensic investigations of the most grisly nature learns his wife has committed adultery and he finds himself shattered. In conjunction with his work's demands and attacks on his humanity's goodness, he suffers a breakdown. The fearful landscape of lacking comprehension of the trail of effects and their continuity along with consequences leaves him "altered."
Just as with this character, the changes did not appear to make him into something else and he rights himself, returning to his life. Also as with this character, there exists a newly uncovered awareness of the dark side of life. In our lives we often choose to focus on the joyfully optimistic approach and fully accept the concept of "focus on the positive" bringing us that realm of existence in a pristine state. Fortunately or -un, as the saying goes, this has not been my reality and surely not my expertise of creating my own life avenues.
Perception alone lives as an unsatisfactory set of guidelines. We must ACT on that perception, but remain "unchanged" into some alien caricature of our former, wide-eyes of innocent self-hood. My oldest daughter and her two sons have moved into my home to reground, regroup, and for her to work toward a new career.
Although a slight adjustment for an oldster as myself, I am thrilled and rejuvenated by the utter "possibility" of life in all its splendid activity, movement, and exuberance.
On the other side of my connections finds my youngest daughter with a soon-to-be stepson who exhibits serious anti-social behavior. Finally, after three years, both she and her fiance MUST look this specter fully in the face and get some aid from the mental health sector. For the two of them, highly immersed in empathic traits,it has been a barreling train wreck as they have tried a dab or so of counseling for the young adolescent. He mimics exceptionally well. The turning point horrifically landed on the doorstep of "we must now act" when he hurt my oldest grandson, slamming his fingers in a closet door during a strangely manic moment of high energy play. It was not that this mishap occurred, but that the awareness of his causing injury did not immediately cause the actions to stop. The calm from him was eerie.
Even the shock of finding this disordered "reality" outside my own dimensional experiences with my ex-spouse and his clan who maneuvered, used, and virtually erased me after applying the tag "presently useless" cannot eradicate the best of humanity in these ever changing times. The horror of the last school tragedy brings the knowledge closer to the forefront.
I do not believe as some do that this has always been present and we have only chosen to sweep this genuinely different aspect of humanity under the carpet. However, awareness of a quietly creeping and now sprawling transformation in the landscape of human-kind may well push us into higher energy use for choice of living. The ideas posed by some writers of "ascension" makes more sense to me now. This may not arrive in a light-switch alteration of where we find ourselves living. Choice to act upon knowledge seems an essential key.
I looked at my grandsons after the injury had been cleared and saw an angelic goodness in seeking to "see" only goodness in the perpetrator. Although this characteristic is laudable from a viewpoint of the heart and soul, it is naive from the sculptor of creative reality. How can one seek decency and goodness and still be aware of a darker quality? It requires strength of character and the connection to that soul within us. I also believe we must reconnect to our own individualized recognition of a "higher power."
Christmas offers us a most unusual opportunity of time and place to once again rekindle that link to choice of decency and sheer goodness. We, much to my delight and utter amazement, are bigger than the worst out here. We are stronger and more fantastically connected to a vast array of choices for decency.
The song at my grandsons' Christmas performances struck me with a more than usual emotional impact. "Let there be peace on Earth." Yes, and it requires responsibility from all of us. But, for this moment of moments, there is a touch of sheer joy. What will tomorrow hold? We honestly can decide.
Merry Christmas! My own heart is full of gratitude for being here now. I am making a difference...not in some grand-scale way, but in tiny acts of kindness. Small moments out of the hubbub of living where we stop and make a difference. I am thankful and filled with new hopeful expectation!
