"There will ALWAYS be a Mean Lunch Lady, Grandma"

At the breakfast table today, my 6-year old grandson shared some amazingly deep wisdom as his mother, brother, and I were chatting.  The boys had been talking about upsets with people at school  and his mom and I were suggesting ideas on handling these.  He said quite calmly and matter-of-factly, "there will ALWAYS be a Mean lunch lady."

I found that "truth" from the perspective of a young child with eyes looking from infinity's horizon to be so filled with LIFE and awareness.  My own trek through some painful terrain with a psychopath and his entire "nutter" clan left me spiritually drained.  As I have worked toward answers for my living experiences, perhaps my anguish has been in seeking an "ever-stable" blueprint - and there is none.

"There will always be a mean lunch lady" may be reality on so many tiers of life energy.  I noted just recently - three years out from being used, abused, and unceremoniously discarded (L. Scott) - that I am no longer afraid.  Fear is a fascinating presence of power and carries such weight in viewpoint coloring.  As in the book by Harold Kushner, When Bad Things Happen to Good People, life still goes forward.  We seem to seek rationale when in the midst of some terrible ordeal of painful participation in an event.

Perhaps we all look at our trek in this lifetime as if we should be able to have our individuality valued.  But this may be a hiccup and a bit of a "trap" in viewing "mysteries."  We ourselves must come to terms of who we are and how we wish to "be" in any moment and future time frame.  What if it's all as simple as that?

Living this existence with a personal sense of ethical guidelines connects us to a greater whole.  Although gray zones appear in the presence of daily activities and thought processes, there seems to be a duality of choices regarding goodness and the feeling of evil.  Having survived in a rather hodge-podge method in my journey through the bowels of the "Twilight Zone" with my ex and his family, I have reconnected with myself - I am surely not the same as once I was.  Am I better?  I am more keenly aware of my selection of options of the angle of interpretation.  That's not to say it's always easy and life is now a breeze.  Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn implies that "the battleline between good and evil runs through the heart of every man."

Now, however, I have less difficulty in staying true to myself where in the past I felt coerced by religious doctrines of giving endlessly and social evaluations of the look of generous behavior.  Oddly, I am willing to aid another and still remain aware that they, too, have their choices.  Nassim Haramein suggests that we do create our reality; however, so does everyone else and these colorful overlays affect all the others.  I rather like that take on this place in time and space.  My accountability now has me not delve intently into the labyrinth of dark acts and personalities because I find myself drawn into the net of attempting to comprehend a reason and plan.  For me now, life is to be lived as joyfully as possible.  And yet, I know the flip side exists.

M. Scott Peck wrote: "The whole course of human history may depend on a change of heart in one solitary and even humble individual - for it is in the solitary mind and soul of the individual that the battle between good and evil is waged and ultimately won or lost."

Reflections on my book and this piece as I move onward...

Stumbling on a REALLY GOOD science fiction series, "Torchwood," I am now a huge fan of the writer, Davies and Lead star, Barrowman.  What a great treat it would be to see my idea set on this kind of stage....(:

Armageddon Came Stealthily – a fairy tale...

“Freedom is the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.”

~George Orwell

Once upon a time in a land called Earth, a species known as hominid developed and populated the great globe.

Surviving travail and cultural crises, the societies rumbled forward – many individuals and groups striving for the betterment of mankind.There did occur apparent deviations from global empathy, but the other sectors of mankind continued to right their vector momentum and crusade toward higher goals of mass survival and opportunity to thrive as both individuals and congregations. The criteria focused upon uplifted values and ethical perspectives for both mankind and the Earth.

As the citizenry grew, New Thought in the molding of ideas acted as a placebo in calming and guiding the more highly educated and industrialized beings. With the study of this domain of knowledge, presences could choose thought patterns and people with whom to associate. This path carried them away from the hubbub of troubles and daily engrossment in procuring the needs for base physical continuation and those of remedially soothing influences on emotional drives.

Preoccupied with attainment of beliefs and systems of convictions of truth, and with confidence in this habit of mind, the inhabitants with all the privileges of free men ^{became less aware of other activities in their realm. The}

 great institutions of learning had categorized knowledge, functionality, reasoning, and had even established schools of remediation for aberrant intent of cogitation.

Within this finely tuned paradigm developed a tumor-like deviation of being whose thought processes did not house the ability to experience empathy. The vast scholarly institutions held that this was a psychological impulse of will, could be corrected, and went about the business of formulating treatments to reestablish balance for the individual, and thus, society as a whole.

Insurgency began to arise within small numbers of natives who disagreed with those within the great halls of understanding and their comprehension of truth. Straying from the hallmarks of data and using primitive observation, these rebels began to formulate a new idea – one divergent from the psychological treatment vectors.This new concept began to take shape as those within society reported horrific anguish from contact with a differing strain of hominid. In these encounters, individuals found themselves mesmerized, deprived of their original self- hood, callously used, devalued while following the best and highest forms of their belief systems, having their values and purposes shaken, and then unceremoniously “left for dead.” Rarely could aid be found to salve the damaged psyches of the victims, for the true believers of the old psychology formats simply were unable to fit the data into their stable and well-acknowledged schools of belief.

^{Could it be that this uncustomary encounter with a} 

divergent strain of citizen could be more than a mutual tangency with an abnormally motivated being? What if an influential drive was not the root, but an intrinsic style of operation? How were the majority of presences to relate to this, and more to the point, how were they to protect themselves from emotional harm? These relationships proved unavoidably destructive to the well-being of individuals and filtered to society.

The insurgents pooled efforts, information, and unified contact to discover an amazing similarity with experiential reports. The strange behaviors of a group of beings whose common description could be a total absence of empathy began to form the base of understanding an event-horizon for any who remained in contact. The most honored notions of forgiveness could not hold stasis and a return to valued normality with this uncharted manner of conduct.

To remain viably humane and uphold the values of their domain, the primary citizens recognized that the exclusion of “the others” was not an option and yet, there might be no rehabilitation possible forthis new strain of presence. They would need to define a new application of learning which might offer tools to formally acknowledge actions coupled with intuitive feelings of those coming in contact with the alien co-citizenry. In addition, techniques would be required to heal the damaged persons left in the wake of such predators.

^{The glorious past eras of golden virtues might have faded,} 

 but a fearless approach to handling the challenge of meshing two entirely foreign ideologies for joint survival on the globe called Earth would stand as a gateway. This ascension would bring change to the tried and true beliefs of the departed generations and perhaps a tarnished overview of life as that given by the prophets and teachers of great creeds. Today would prove an opening to a road of awareness. Knowledge, itself, is not power, but the ability to use that information and to do so with righteous intent would mark an evolving humanity as it strives to incorporate the incompatible into a new world. We, the insurgents are not the same.

And so, it begins.

Uncloaking Me

My trek over this lifetime so far seems to have been "looking at actions and my part in choice from different perspectives."  I found much in Scientology with which I could agree - even knowing of the Aleister Crowley and occult connections.  This leg of my self-education, or more accurately, self-awakening, included a fall into the darkly abysmal well of a relationship with  (in my evaluation) a psychopath and his "nutter" clan.  Does it matter that the presence was one of psychopathy?  Only in the sense that the life structuring and dynamics of relationships fell totally into an alien-to-me realm.

Creating with a backdrop of teachings from various sources including Christian ethics, I worked with this element with the same techniques I would have with sane individuals.  Sane is an interesting word.  It can be defined as  operating from a mentally sound mind, able to anticipate and evaluate the precipitate of one's own actions.  From the viewpoint of humanity's survival and using the best choices for nurturing individuality with conscience, these entities would fall far adrift of the mark.

Was evil a part of the mix?  To me, with an emotional response to that term, that gives great power to their presence.  And, I surely felt that to be the case when permitting myself to be engulfed by them and their drives.  I even took on the causes, usually because it made me feel that I was contributing to something greater in the long run.  The offensively reprehensible character of these folks lay in their tunnel-visioned approach to living.  Most of us in the realm of "sanity" look toward the greater view in our actions.  Whether brain functionality altered for these folks or an evolutionary offshoot, the behaviors cut into my soul.

It has only been in the recent time that I see I actually had and now have choice in giving permission for this.  I don't mean to appear less than understanding of those in this particular trap.  I was there, too, and the pain registered a horrific and frightening flux in my life.  As I have sought at first answers as to how this occurred, the awareness has now reached me that my real quest has been to learn about the core of myself.

Although I have not engaged in looking deeply into a study called Idenics, it did plant a thought within me.  John Galusha, one of the hosts for this idea,  and Hubbard were connected in delving into the human condition at one period, but diverged.  I don't believe it would be accurate or fair to describe this particular application of knowledge to be an offshoot of Scientology because the vantage point of learning is strictly from oneself and not in grafting onto the concepts of others as in the processing of Scientology.  Mike Goldstein has carried the site forward today and I mention him by way of giving credit for this survival idea.

The thought that came to me is that I actually have more than power and even knowledge.  I have the ability to use it.  Yes, that's such a simple idea, but in my life experiences, many times I have opted for being a follower.  Bits of phrases and even concepts hit home and I took those to use almost as adornments or even garments as I moved in daily life.  Stumbling from my comfort zone after the "Twilight Zone" effect of my strange and pathological relationship, I can visualize a gift.  Not that I'd choose to do it quite that way again for the purpose of learning, mind you.

Working on handling the situation and myself - looking at who I created for that role in my life - it struck me that it just wasn't all that serious.  Oh, it surely appeared to be so to me at the time of unbelievable upset and agitation.  I had forgotten that I decided in favor of a particular style of me going into and continuing with the oddball interrelationships.  The binding with these participants had me constantly in my psyche's wardrobe closet.

Well, I'll be darned.  For anyone deeply entrenched in "where I once was," this may seem as so superficially pie-in-the-sky hype.  And it might well be so.  But, for me, I am no longer afraid that I will not know who I truly am.  And with this simple cognizance,  I am freer today than I was then.  What is my own stumbling block now?  My blogs have been a map of my progress as I've scouted just what to do with this lifetime.  For much of my living time, I have thought romantic relationships and the handling and movement of money attainable to me to be my distinguishing pinpoints of focus in this here and now.  Suddenly, the romantic relationships no longer exist as localized impact.  Money stands out and just maybe it isn't money so much as the flow of life energy.  

Did I buy into ideas that I had accepted all along as how I should act and operate and just what role I was to play? It could be.  If so, I have been an unstoppable actor of no small skill because I lost touch with that inner core of myself.  Will any of my "grand words of wisdom" help another?  I don't know, but I do know that for the first time in longer than I can remember, I am not afraid to draw back the curtain on me.  Much as in the "Wizard of Oz."  I have journeyed down some truly bizarre roadways.  A wonderful poem by T.S. Eliot has been coming into my mind's view off and on through this stretch of knowledge gathering: "Little Gidding V."

"We shall not cease from exploration 
And the end of all our exploring 
Will be to arrive where we started 
And know the place for the first time.
Through the unknown, remembered gate
When the last of earth left to discover
Is that which was the beginning;
At the source of the longest river
The voice of the hidden waterfall
And the children in the apple-tree
Not known, because not looked for 
But heard, half heard, in the stillness
Between the two waves of the sea.
Quick now, here, now, always--
A condition of complete simplicity
(Costing not less than everything)
And all shall be well and
All manner of things shall be well
When the tongues of flame are in-folded
Into the crowned knot of fire
And the fire and the rose are one."

"Jack Reacher" and me

My youngest daughter took me to see the movie, "Jack Reacher," last night.  Having found myself spiraling down a negative side of the "Force's" rabbit-hole following an encounter with presences I have chosen to label as psychopathic on the continuum of narcissism to this end of the spectrum, my searches for understanding have left me as changed as meeting the unexpected experience itself.

"I may not have gone where I intended to go,

but I think I have ended up where I needed to be."

~Douglas Adams

It appears from the numbers on forums, books available, and general tone of life in seeking awareness of many layers that this phenomenon is either spreading like the "Nothingness" in "The Never Ending Story" or is being viewed with a changed perspective today.  Tom Cruise plays the lead role in the film closely following Lee Child's books. The central character, Jack Reacher, illustrates many traits noted in those who follow Scientology and most of us have learned of Cruise's involvement there.  But before you let that shutter you against taking a look at this film and life, let me say that I have changed my thoughts in many ways.

Trekking through the barren landscape of "aftermath" when living closely connected to the egocentric "all-ness" in his approach to antisocial traits, I jumped on bandwagons answering questions and offering camaraderie of heart and soul.   I felt so adrift as if on a foreign planet mirroring much of my acceptance of daily activity, but the meanings behind the operations on "that planet" were as different as one could imagine from a mental patient's outlook.  I have written to express my thoughts as I groped for some type of incorporation of this encounter with my belief systems, religious ideas within Christianity, and my backdrop of goodness versus "the Dark side,"  I can now see that my life has been a vessel of ideas, platitudes, flowery easy-answers, and regurgitating mind models from Scripture, New Age concepts, authors such as Emmet Fox, Napoleon Hill, James Allen (As a Man Thinketh), and so very many more literary originators.

It isn't bad to recognize that those seeking a source for comprehension of this life's blueprint have touched on transcendent entities from which we operate in adjusting these images.  Being who we are as corporeal presences, these manifestations of a grander "thought" find their home in imperfect representations.  It would make a wonderful science fiction take on just why we are here - choices, abstract notions of destiny, duality of good and evil, and even shadings of gray in this arena.  So, what in Heaven's name am I attempting to express?  It's all a process.  There is, however, an abundant energy stream with all the emotional rainbow of feelings and fluctuating intellectual evaluations.

As I have become more aware of this "clay" for creating life interaction and observation, I feel I am more ready to stand with some perhaps nebulous sense of courage to accept and even trust my own beliefs.  What's it all about?  The song in "Alfie" makes me smile because I have altered my considerations.  Is it the educational degrees possessed?  The notoriety gained?  The regurgitation of ideas by renowned persons?  

This brings me back to the movie, "Jack Reacher."  In this artistic endeavor there are atrocities played from vantages of power and fear.  The term, film, seems all the more fitting taking the definition of "thin, membranous covering."  Perhaps this is exactly how we can duplicate enough reality to genuinely put that under the microscope of our minds and sense of ethical values. The tapestry of "what was really happening" is exposed from various captured understandings - beginning with a crime, the scene, the obvious data, alignment with investigative hypotheses, and expanding comprehension of apparently (at first glance) peripheral characters.  As the mesh of intertwining life flows pulls together we discover most is not what these at first seemed to be (the husband with flowers that are not really going to the wife with whom he argued that morning, but to a lover).  In the motion picture the "random" shootings were only haphazard for a few, used to disguise the actual target who herself became such as the owner of a company seen as a provocative competitor in the field.

How can I tie this hodgepodge of fledgling puzzle pieces together for my own viewpoint of this life and most especially with my awakening in the precipitating time frames after my personal encounter?  I'm not quite ready to do so.  The face-to-face realization of layers, systems, and at the heart of it all, the power of options, has made me different without changing my appearance.  Funny, because that is exactly how I see psychopaths - different while looking like us.  But, the separating distinction here is, of course, the ability to be compassionate and empathetic...it is also a newly located trait of knowing that belief systems have served purposes of stability and continuity.  Life is the adventure of growth, change, and expanding "morality."  

For me, I wish to embody an energy of strength and decency.  My ideas and systematic set of concepts regarding humanity and culture may not find agreement with all, but this corridor of cognizance is something from which there is no turning back the hands of time.  My own decision is to seek optimistic pathways while being ever vigilant toward the existence of deviation.

"There are only two ways to live your life.

One is as though nothing is a miracle.

The other is as though everything is a miracle."  

~Albert Einstein

What Positive is to be Gleaned from Running into life with a Psychopath?

Just what positive effects are to be gleaned from running into a psychopath and facing the fallout in the aftermath with this totally narcissistic and alien presence of no empathy?  For me it was that I survived.  Although within the black hole of emotional devastation and financial decimation, it shook me to the quick of my belief systems.

I just love the trilogy movie series, "The Prophecy."  We see Christopher Walken playing the terrifically disillusioned and disheartened angel, Gabriel.  He becomes tainted by the negatives he once stood firmly to mediate within God's grand scheme...and he once had a clear line of communication with The Creator.  As I have come out of the haze of anguish and disbelief, I recognize that I have managed to become a bit less arrogant - and yet, somehow stronger.  For me, the strength exists in vocalizing what is inappropriate for me.  I can catch myself when I too willingly relinquish my rights and best interests to be "of benefit" to another.

Working self-employment in a very small service of office cleaning, I was delighted at how I felt I had operated with integrity and an earnest interest in the well being and forward looking success of the small office.  The receptionist - once providing this same service - who became my liaison to the owner found fault with much and I discovered little I did in my sense of productivity altered her highly unfavorable opinion of me and my output.  Her continual and abundant notes, tutorials, and extensions of my time-for-free made me evaluate the contract that had been altered in many aspects by this individual.  After providing a harmonious environment of tidied spaces, it dawned on me that there would be no "moment of enlightenment."

This situation was as it was...there would be no change.   Instead of allowing emotions to take control, I found myself aware that I was bigger than the worker-me.  And I knew from deep within that I had to let go of this hopeless attempt to provide the impossible happy ending.  I simply let it go - with a professional ending expressing my regret that I could not meet the increasing expectations and that in quite genuine thought wished them continued success.  How else was I to see the next opportunity if I were forever "stuck" in a futile experiment?

Just as Gabriel in the movie found his place in God's plan once again, so, too, have I.  Oh, I don't have the entire blueprint, but I trust once more.  During my dark trek into a frightening crisis of faith, joy and peace evaporated from heart and spirit.  How the storm clouds dissipated, I don't really know - blow by blow in hindsight.  But, the horizon cleared and although the weather shifts, I am still me.

This reminds me of the idea and question posed, "who is doing the viewing of actions and the Big picture?"  It's me, but not the me-who-has-become-enmeshed.  The "see-er" is the me who knows this moment in time is just that...part of something more.

During my marriage to the psychopathic entity and his self-enthroned and totally self-absorbed clan, I lost that perspective.  I became tunnel-visioned in my attempt to please, to fill in all the voids of need, and my desire to be valued.  As I have come from the funk that caught me in the trap of my own creation, I have become kinder, and even gentler, but a whole lot more aware of unacceptable behaviors within my life arena.

For the first time in what seems eons, I can say with actual interest and joy, "what comes next?"  Added to that, I am aware that my emotional level will color that question and I have altered my choice of adjectives.  "What exciting and joyful occurrence might develop today?"  It takes a bit of practice and one can't frolic in the land of "Pollyanna-ism."  It poses a fascinating balancing act.  But, I find I am much more myself without the face of trying to make others feel good about themselves.  My responsibility in this life expands my sphere about myself and how I can be ethical and make a difference.  Although compassionate, I am not the camp counselor for happiness.  That would take me too close to the borders of "crazy town" again.

"Give thanks for what you are now, and keep fighting for what you want to be tomorrow." ~Fernanda Miramontes-Landeros