"Jack Reacher" and me

My youngest daughter took me to see the movie, "Jack Reacher," last night.  Having found myself spiraling down a negative side of the "Force's" rabbit-hole following an encounter with presences I have chosen to label as psychopathic on the continuum of narcissism to this end of the spectrum, my searches for understanding have left me as changed as meeting the unexpected experience itself.

"I may not have gone where I intended to go,

but I think I have ended up where I needed to be."

~Douglas Adams

It appears from the numbers on forums, books available, and general tone of life in seeking awareness of many layers that this phenomenon is either spreading like the "Nothingness" in "The Never Ending Story" or is being viewed with a changed perspective today.  Tom Cruise plays the lead role in the film closely following Lee Child's books. The central character, Jack Reacher, illustrates many traits noted in those who follow Scientology and most of us have learned of Cruise's involvement there.  But before you let that shutter you against taking a look at this film and life, let me say that I have changed my thoughts in many ways.

Trekking through the barren landscape of "aftermath" when living closely connected to the egocentric "all-ness" in his approach to antisocial traits, I jumped on bandwagons answering questions and offering camaraderie of heart and soul.   I felt so adrift as if on a foreign planet mirroring much of my acceptance of daily activity, but the meanings behind the operations on "that planet" were as different as one could imagine from a mental patient's outlook.  I have written to express my thoughts as I groped for some type of incorporation of this encounter with my belief systems, religious ideas within Christianity, and my backdrop of goodness versus "the Dark side,"  I can now see that my life has been a vessel of ideas, platitudes, flowery easy-answers, and regurgitating mind models from Scripture, New Age concepts, authors such as Emmet Fox, Napoleon Hill, James Allen (As a Man Thinketh), and so very many more literary originators.

It isn't bad to recognize that those seeking a source for comprehension of this life's blueprint have touched on transcendent entities from which we operate in adjusting these images.  Being who we are as corporeal presences, these manifestations of a grander "thought" find their home in imperfect representations.  It would make a wonderful science fiction take on just why we are here - choices, abstract notions of destiny, duality of good and evil, and even shadings of gray in this arena.  So, what in Heaven's name am I attempting to express?  It's all a process.  There is, however, an abundant energy stream with all the emotional rainbow of feelings and fluctuating intellectual evaluations.

As I have become more aware of this "clay" for creating life interaction and observation, I feel I am more ready to stand with some perhaps nebulous sense of courage to accept and even trust my own beliefs.  What's it all about?  The song in "Alfie" makes me smile because I have altered my considerations.  Is it the educational degrees possessed?  The notoriety gained?  The regurgitation of ideas by renowned persons?  

This brings me back to the movie, "Jack Reacher."  In this artistic endeavor there are atrocities played from vantages of power and fear.  The term, film, seems all the more fitting taking the definition of "thin, membranous covering."  Perhaps this is exactly how we can duplicate enough reality to genuinely put that under the microscope of our minds and sense of ethical values. The tapestry of "what was really happening" is exposed from various captured understandings - beginning with a crime, the scene, the obvious data, alignment with investigative hypotheses, and expanding comprehension of apparently (at first glance) peripheral characters.  As the mesh of intertwining life flows pulls together we discover most is not what these at first seemed to be (the husband with flowers that are not really going to the wife with whom he argued that morning, but to a lover).  In the motion picture the "random" shootings were only haphazard for a few, used to disguise the actual target who herself became such as the owner of a company seen as a provocative competitor in the field.

How can I tie this hodgepodge of fledgling puzzle pieces together for my own viewpoint of this life and most especially with my awakening in the precipitating time frames after my personal encounter?  I'm not quite ready to do so.  The face-to-face realization of layers, systems, and at the heart of it all, the power of options, has made me different without changing my appearance.  Funny, because that is exactly how I see psychopaths - different while looking like us.  But, the separating distinction here is, of course, the ability to be compassionate and empathetic...it is also a newly located trait of knowing that belief systems have served purposes of stability and continuity.  Life is the adventure of growth, change, and expanding "morality."  

For me, I wish to embody an energy of strength and decency.  My ideas and systematic set of concepts regarding humanity and culture may not find agreement with all, but this corridor of cognizance is something from which there is no turning back the hands of time.  My own decision is to seek optimistic pathways while being ever vigilant toward the existence of deviation.

"There are only two ways to live your life.

One is as though nothing is a miracle.

The other is as though everything is a miracle."  

~Albert Einstein

What Positive is to be Gleaned from Running into life with a Psychopath?

Just what positive effects are to be gleaned from running into a psychopath and facing the fallout in the aftermath with this totally narcissistic and alien presence of no empathy?  For me it was that I survived.  Although within the black hole of emotional devastation and financial decimation, it shook me to the quick of my belief systems.

I just love the trilogy movie series, "The Prophecy."  We see Christopher Walken playing the terrifically disillusioned and disheartened angel, Gabriel.  He becomes tainted by the negatives he once stood firmly to mediate within God's grand scheme...and he once had a clear line of communication with The Creator.  As I have come out of the haze of anguish and disbelief, I recognize that I have managed to become a bit less arrogant - and yet, somehow stronger.  For me, the strength exists in vocalizing what is inappropriate for me.  I can catch myself when I too willingly relinquish my rights and best interests to be "of benefit" to another.

Working self-employment in a very small service of office cleaning, I was delighted at how I felt I had operated with integrity and an earnest interest in the well being and forward looking success of the small office.  The receptionist - once providing this same service - who became my liaison to the owner found fault with much and I discovered little I did in my sense of productivity altered her highly unfavorable opinion of me and my output.  Her continual and abundant notes, tutorials, and extensions of my time-for-free made me evaluate the contract that had been altered in many aspects by this individual.  After providing a harmonious environment of tidied spaces, it dawned on me that there would be no "moment of enlightenment."

This situation was as it was...there would be no change.   Instead of allowing emotions to take control, I found myself aware that I was bigger than the worker-me.  And I knew from deep within that I had to let go of this hopeless attempt to provide the impossible happy ending.  I simply let it go - with a professional ending expressing my regret that I could not meet the increasing expectations and that in quite genuine thought wished them continued success.  How else was I to see the next opportunity if I were forever "stuck" in a futile experiment?

Just as Gabriel in the movie found his place in God's plan once again, so, too, have I.  Oh, I don't have the entire blueprint, but I trust once more.  During my dark trek into a frightening crisis of faith, joy and peace evaporated from heart and spirit.  How the storm clouds dissipated, I don't really know - blow by blow in hindsight.  But, the horizon cleared and although the weather shifts, I am still me.

This reminds me of the idea and question posed, "who is doing the viewing of actions and the Big picture?"  It's me, but not the me-who-has-become-enmeshed.  The "see-er" is the me who knows this moment in time is just that...part of something more.

During my marriage to the psychopathic entity and his self-enthroned and totally self-absorbed clan, I lost that perspective.  I became tunnel-visioned in my attempt to please, to fill in all the voids of need, and my desire to be valued.  As I have come from the funk that caught me in the trap of my own creation, I have become kinder, and even gentler, but a whole lot more aware of unacceptable behaviors within my life arena.

For the first time in what seems eons, I can say with actual interest and joy, "what comes next?"  Added to that, I am aware that my emotional level will color that question and I have altered my choice of adjectives.  "What exciting and joyful occurrence might develop today?"  It takes a bit of practice and one can't frolic in the land of "Pollyanna-ism."  It poses a fascinating balancing act.  But, I find I am much more myself without the face of trying to make others feel good about themselves.  My responsibility in this life expands my sphere about myself and how I can be ethical and make a difference.  Although compassionate, I am not the camp counselor for happiness.  That would take me too close to the borders of "crazy town" again.

"Give thanks for what you are now, and keep fighting for what you want to be tomorrow." ~Fernanda Miramontes-Landeros

Go at Life a Little Gently

Coming from the barren and frightening land of time with a psychopathic spouse and his totally self-absorbed clan, I look at the metamorphosis as a birth - painful contractions, the indignities of being poked and prodded by doctors, and the hopeful expectations.  My hopeful expectations materialized in a new lease on me, so to speak.  I find myself compassionate and caring, but no longer a push over to be drained of energy to serve the whims of others.  I am no longer afraid.

Just as Christopher Walken playing Gabriel in "The Prophecy" Trilogy discovers,  God didn't forsake him...or me.  Life is filled with shining moments, mundane periods, and even trials.  Somehow I now know that the answer to the question, "who is doing the viewing" of all this is me.  Not the one enmeshed in anguish or a very small scope of action, but the bigger and grander energies and spiritual plane to which I am linked as a wheel within a wheel.

Is there some grand scheme of God's?  I believe so.  Sometimes we may become too engrossed in the ideas of intellect and analysis.  The personal ethics that we use as our guideposts are something more than pleasing others and being as we feel we need to be for the benefit of different presences.  WE are the impetus to expanding the life force of our stay now on this timeline.  Just as in the children's movie, "The Never Ending Story," we must let go of fear of the past...fear of choices going awry...and seek to bring an ever-expanding creation of the best of humanity.  This makes us All greater in this very moment.

AM I sappy now?  Maybe, and yet I have a strength to cut ties that work to harm the spirit of me.  Even in the work arena.  There are times when we must let go in order to allow new projects, endeavors, and ways of attracting goodness.  Trust is involved.  AND faith.  Emmet Fox calls hope the weaker sister of faith and I believe this.  To understand faith one has to know a bit of pain, survival, and rebirth - first hand.

Who knew such a great gleaning of bright and shining newness of thought could be birthed from the horrors of the barren landscape of dealing with psychopathy?  THAT in itself is a miracle.  What other glorious developments will occur today?  Bring that awareness of God, however you perceive Him, into your life this moment...whether you can agree with the concept of energies or a Divine Presence.  By being the best of ourselves, we join with that in others and we are all bigger, grander and more fully powerful.  I believe in destiny and choice.

"We should give meaning to life, not wait for life to give meaning to us." ~Tim Walters