Blogs as Expressive Rites of Passage

The purpose of a blog, from my perspective, is an online rite of passage using a personal record of development and includes experiences, ideas, reflections, and evaluations.  My own trek has been to awaken my knowledge of my individual strengths and most assuredly to discover just what I believe - what I alone can validate within my gut, heart, intellect, and soul.  Communication is the transmission of information, but that by itself doesn't totally complete the definition.  For communication to be successful there must also be a receipt of the data and acknowledgement that both parties recognize that this set of facts was not only received, but understood.  The information is conveyed with the added elucidation of emotional signification.

Having the idea of psychological entities of more spurious natures sprinkled as a condiment or seasoning gives me the sense that some divine and higher power must exhibit a sense of humor.  Maybe that's to offer a different perspective for us to view.  Many pathways can be found from the ragtag bearer of emotional waves of upset to the clearly serene pundit offering authoritative wisdom.  The vast spectrum array of apparently discordant viewpoints may quite simply be part of a wholeness in this reality.  For those on a "higher" course - and once-upon-a-time this was me - pick and choose the energies that move into their spheres, free of storms of unpleasant change.  Now, I find myself able to ebb and flow a bit as I sort my own web of actuality; although sometimes wading through the muck of fallout from choices.  Especially those I didn't recognize as choices.

Why would anyone of sound mind choose the battle-weary zone of life's current instead of a land of constant tranquility?  For me, I believe that I needed to understand exactly how choice works and responds because we are not in the creative industry all by ourselves.  At the same time that we are meandering or purposefully driven, there are other presences just as busily working out their scenarios.  And these other precipitations into our larger realm bump and thrash against the walls of all this creativity.  It might be sheer delight to recognize the comings and goings of these workable and not always so feasible conglomerations of mass and action if we could, in the process, separate ourselves from the interactions of others.  And there is forever the performance of forgetting just how much cooperation we are providing for the grand stage execution.  

It seems to include the unadulterated system of "belief."  A belief is a conviction of truth when based upon examination of evidence.  And this fits into each individual presence's "reality."  Somewhat controversial for such a small work of artistic endeavor, the film, "Dogma," treats beliefs as central to our existence: "I think it's better to have ideas.  You can change an idea.  Changing a belief is trickier."  

Ah, ha!  Yes, Yoda, I do understand academically, but it's in placing this data into usable format that I can acknowledge it becoming problematic.  We in this realm of existence have agreements whereby we keep this grand complex operating with a sense of status quo.  And here is where the weeding out comes into play.

There is a sense of complacency when life runs eternally along the upscale roadways.  In shaking things a bit, we find ourselves re-evaluating this existence, our path, our purpose, time, the concept of a supreme being, and our connections with others.  We may even ask, "does it matter?"  In the comedy, "Groundhog Day," the lead male character finds that tomorrow never arrives and flirts with taking actions if there exist no consequences.  He also discovers that a game  no longer operates in such a climate, unless it is one of his own making.  And that engagement is accountability with the inclusion of the discipline and guiding philosophy of moral aspects.

It would appear that good versus bad is a viable duality of choice.  We take a bit of a hiatus when we retire into a kind of hibernation after injury.  Sooner or later we become cognizant of the casting call and know that we can decide on another audition.  This trial performance isn't about us as energy forces of spiritual import, but of the game into which we choose to gain access.  With an assault on our nature, we may find ourselves in the field of desperation where we lose our way - for a time.  Communicating with others can lend a hand to pull another toward less cloudy sight.  So, does it make "reality" any less solid?  Maybe not, but it reminds us that choice is part  of our incorporate heritage.  

Something happens when we can recognize options.  The dark night of the past occurred in that loop, but just as positively the bright prospects of tomorrow also open.  Hope and sincerity of intention in an etching of goodness begin to burn more deeply the groundwork of integrity of making a difference.    Social structures of monetary strata found a home in the schematic for this world, but so, too, did a code of courage and unflagging desire for optimism.  We have to remember faith, not as a religious tenet, but as the transit to a new way to view this lifetime.  Once we can ascertain just what we consider to have transpired, intention and focus become the most valuable tools.  We may not move by great leaps and only find our way in baby steps, but move we will.

"Fairy tales are more than true; not because they tell us

that dragons exist, 

but because they tell us 

that dragons can be beaten."

~G.K. Chesterton

Brainwashing as I Rebuild

In my struggles following a time with a spouse I believe to be a psychopath and his dysfunctional clan, I have recognized that my belief systems were shaken badly. What an odd way to express that.  It's better to say that I could no longer simply fall into a default mode on them.

Just what are belief systems?   Jonathan Glover, a philosopher, suggests that  "beliefs have to be considered holistically, and that no belief exists in isolation in the mind of the believer.  They always implicate and relate to other beliefs." (Wikipedia)  Glover feels that beliefs can be held fast if one really wishes it.  And this is the crux of my own experiences with that ex-partner and his clan.  Living secluded from my family and loved ones, I found myself inundated with an alien strain of beliefs - atheism and "I am all and to be catered to in total reverence." The invalid mother became the hub for this with extended family - all living at a distance and with only memories of the person she used to be - chimed in to push toward fulfilling her every whim by using anyone (me) who could be found in close proximity.  Lack of sleep, constant upheaval and chaos, ex-wives and girlfriends, an alcoholic adult son with never ending problems, the sister of the ex-wife calling round the clock in drunken and drugged states, and the ex -spouse working me every free moment to create the dream house to impress the lady contract for deed owner, as well as his tactics for my failure to do it all "correctly" with him away at work so frequently...and the forever encroaching bank levies and sympathy providers, splayed dissonance before me at each turn.

 

There are five examples where notice has taken place outlining the probability of use of brainwashing : the tactics of religious and cult recruiters, husbands who control their wives, Stockholm Syndrome, the maneuvering of beliefs and evaluations of prisoners in wartime, and with some humor, the supposed creation of Voodoo zombies.  The Skeptic's Dictionary does not totally accept this possibility of brainwashing within these accepted five areas of expressed occurrence where one can be controlled without their consent.  This dictionary suggests that an individual  chooses to follow paths outside one's belief alignment  because that being is striving "to do good."   I think there is a great deal of credence in the idea that we change direction and fall in line with alien convictions because we ARE attempting to create a better conglomeration of reality.  And that our set of beliefs are indeed connected to a vast spiderweb of these strongly held concepts.  Of course, we may also conform more readily to a new set of ideas after being terrorized or battered. This provides the "toxic cocktail." (Sandra L. Brown)

From a site called Fringe Wisdom, answering "what do we believe" defines us, our actions, and requires an amazing leap of honesty in evaluating these.  The social problem exists because so many people take on the colors and ideas of those around them without doing much questioning.  In my experience, intentions and the drive to form a cohesion, mixed with a willingness to compromise for the greater good of a unit sounds high minded and very moral, but can be deadly if we lose that connection to our core.  So, my thoughts roam to inquiries such as just to what else are my systems of ideas tethered?  Belief in a higher power, exchanges such as work or action for money, and a connection with loved ones of lineage and those with ties of ideas and the camaraderie of experience. 

All this revolves around an individual's core makeup.  Ideas tend to be rather fragile as we work at living life with others.  The desire to be honorable and do no harm provides the platform for kindness as we listen to the tenets and opinions of others.  For me, my own experience showed me that one of my basic certainties was that I could allow leeway to another or others and still not only retain my image of myself as an entity, but that I would be fine.  I felt it was my "spiritual obligation" to allow another expression of their beliefs, no matter how divergent from my own.   But in life with a psychopath, the promise of peaceful existence - that I thought was the reward for compromise - is nil and the shaking of my perception of safety within my spirituality sent me sprawling.

I don't feel that heavy guilt or lack of self-esteem played a huge part for me; however, I do think that my inability to detach from the situation of anguish with the man and his clan, from my ideals and expectations, and my Pollyanna-ish naivete led me to loop back into old habits of  coping whereby I relinquished mounting numbers of chunks of my being, watching as they floated off into space.

How does one reintegrate self with an eye toward the future?  How does one rebuild trust in one's own choices and pathways of life?

For me, these are my choices of study and work:

                Choosing the people I allow into my space of development and creation...

                Checking with trustworthy social reference points...

                Handling self-betrayal with compassion and better boundaries as I, with thoughts of courage, assess

                          who I am, my place in reality, and just what I am supposed to be doing in this here and now ...

                Providing myself with a sense of safety, sleep, and better health (even comfort foods) that will enhance  

                            my own critical thinking skills...

                And giving myself the time to evaluate before jumping at joining some groups where pleasant or     

                            intriguing ideas reside...

As in the process of brainwashing, there is a hope - and more- of the possibility of being saved from harm and destruction, and falling down that rabbit hole once again.  But instead of within the framework of brainwashing, salvation will come as I reclaim my right to choose and act upon my own beliefs with a sense of ethical vigor.

The fascinating correlations to brainwashing can now be used to create a new or reclaimed self because I will be aware of my thoughts, past patterns, and knowledge that I am claiming a direction of stability and growth.  By using my moral compass I will permit myself to decide what data from others to accept, just how I will permit it to affect me,  and know that I can, indeed, perceive with clarity and certainty just  who I am and where I'm headed.  As "Star Trek's" Captain Jean-Luc Picard would say, "Engage."

Passion

In the aftermath of time with a psychopathic entity and his clan of insane-asylum family members, I have found that two years is just the beginning of healing.  In the two-dimensional plane of reality within the prison of a relationship with a psychopath, I gave away the goodness of myself in trying to "stay the course" and save the relationship.  My own baggage, of course, came into play.  But so did society's structured answers about commitment to marriage and the need to continue to use "tried and true" methods of communication and compassion.  This presented a real-time experience analogous to the TV show, "Once Upon a Time."  

In the series, the fairy tale of Snow White overlaid itself in our 21st century setting  while continuing the saga in the ethereal realm.    Unlike the idea that either locale lacked material realism, both operated as if the other was non-existent.  My time and the upheavals shared by others coming into contact with this predator became "cursed" as I relinquished my own drives, goals, and passion for living.  The realm of a psychopath is shared with the target in terms of shades of gray.  The emotional spectrum of life created from the energies of a spiritual entity offer the predatory presence the intoxicating belief that he is manifesting a world of color, vibrant energy, and potential.  That is his illusion and we, the survivors, with kindness and a store of belief systems locked in place, not only ride this hallucination with him, but bring interest to it.

As we survivors wind our way through time and the struggles of healing from the ordeal, the most potent characteristic of life that I sorely miss is passion.  Not of the romantic kind, although that, too, is true, but the kind where I can feel power from deep inside as I move toward plans and purpose.  Why do we allow ourselves to forget the rainbow of emotional colors and expressions?  The "curse" as in fairy tales is a well orchestrated con-job.  Coupled with the drive to "be the key to enlightenment" for the object of our connection.  But, one drink from that bitter little cup drops one down a bottomless pit where the memory that we do have choice is ripped from our waking consciousness.

Time away from that flat terrain of barren landscape causes ripples in the platform of the status quo.  As if suddenly aware that the domain of living had been within a nightmare, light trickles from the edges and we can sense the opportunity to actually choose which side of the Force we want to use as our sandbox - the light or dark, just as in "Star Wars."  However, vigilance is mandated because the forever seeking side of us - the one that determinedly searches for challenge, a path for conviction, and a place to use heroism - will move into a default mode where these overmastering desires may be conjured with whatever raw material can be located at hand.

Using cute abbreviations to name the predators on the psychopathic continuum changes our perspective of them.  We can see them as like us, but wounded.  They are not.  They are vastly different than we within the definition of humanity which possesses character strengths such as decency, camaraderie, and compassion.   Evil may not possess a particular game plan other than to decimate anything within its path.  

Perhaps the keystone to releasing survivors from the delusion of the painfully stifled continuing on a two-dimensional plane is the influx of passion in any form.  To accomplish that, it's just like the reverse effects when Snow White takes the poisoned apple.  This "poisoned apple" is the unknown.  Fearing the Hell of a new unknown churns more fear than remaining on the desolate field of gray.  The determination that the fruit is poisoned isn't accurate for us, the survivors.  Only for the predators.  As in the fairy tale, we may swoon to the ground, but we are still there within us - in a possible 3-D projection booth.  

The predator may see potential.  We of the humane realm see possibility.  And this is magic.  Possibility requires the force of three dimensional living where potential rests on a two-dimensional maybe. This particular thing, defined by its attributes as a  predator, cannot grasp the expansive awareness and activation of choice that the empathic target possesses.  There exists no way for the chameleon to actually feel what he portrays.  The moment we survivors comprehend our amazing color scheme of living, we will release the shackles to this "what if" fairy tale and begin a new adventure where our own soul's prism will open grandeur and an ardent dedication to experiencing the light side of "The Force."

From "Star Wars":

Yoda: Named must your fear be before banish it you can.

Luke at the mouth of the cave: "What's in there?"

Yoda: "Only what you take with you."

Love Invents Us ~ Amy Bloom

This delightfully and strikingly crafted line from the inside jacket of Amy Bloom's Love Invents Us touches me with the truth of a soul's mirror:

"Love takes <all> in this rich novel into unimagined places and unknown parts of themselves. It doesn't heal them or save them or hand them a happy ending, but it takes them to harbor, and points the way home."

That sums my own experiences in the land of "experiential awareness" over these last few years.  Having attained what I felt to be a rather laudable standing of spirituality and general awareness, I threw myself into marriage with a most unusual man and his clan of family and extended members.  The oddball surprises and chaos within the framework of this group were, to me, just "homework" assignments as I worked to put my beliefs into practice.

Within the emotional tsunami that slammed my growth potential, I chose a form of personalized amnesia.  I have found myself at this bus stop in time: whether he was a psychopath is totally irrelevant to my "now."  I can remember the stresses of "choice" and knowing that this little motion picture was not as I had envisioned my continuing directorial examples to play.  I thought I comprehended the communication theorem and the ability to "live in the moment."  However, I not only lost touch with that fallible "me" but also let go my dreams and goals for the time following the "I do's."

My youngest daughter and her fiance gave me a media streaming apparatus that I have been thoroughly enjoying.  I watched "Vanilla Sky" yesterday and found myself mesmerized.  Oh, it's a great psychological thriller and falls well into my schematic of belief systems with creating one's own reality.  I felt myself buoyed with the knowledge that there are nightmares, but there is also genuine joy.  That, friends and fellow travelers, had eluded me for quite some time.  And as the movie ends, with the protagonist freely electing to leave his cryogenic sleep even with the interactive dream being corrected to avoid frightening streams of living experience, he faces his fear of heights in the other-world and jumps.  The screen opens with an eye looking at the camera and someone telling him to wake up. 

Why rejoin the "real world"?  Because there - in that waking awareness - can be found possibility and potential.

During these few years following the anguish of non-comprehension and the loss of faith in myself and my belief systems, I lost passion from my life stream.  Fear became my adorned four-poster bed and the fairy tale I thought I desired taunted me with the thought that I might not be able...not be cognizant enough...incapable of being the hero of my own life.

It's not true.  This trek through what felt like no-man's-land was a gift.  My emotional shell has been purged and realigned and I am - surprising to myself - tough, but much kinder than I was before this jaunt into disillusionment.  I have taken a look at my own part in the multi-act performance and can view my personal foibles, some not so minor.  It's not so dramatic as placing the carcass of that dream on a burial pyre, but I have set it adrift.

Returning to where and who I was before this lesson, I am not in the same place.  T.S. Eliot wrote about time, healing, apocalyptic journeys, and redemption.  His quote is fitting: "We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time."

So, as with the title of Bloom's book, Love Invents Us, I am opening the gates of my heart and soul for passion in living once more.   It isn't that we mirror another's desires - from the point on which I find myself now - but that we can be greater of spirit and soul with a passion in this lifting the veil of life-choice.  Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote that "Passion rebuilds the world for the youth. It makes all things alive and significant."  When I view my vital statistics in this moment, I realize I am the one taking its pulse.  There is energy with a hint of purpose drenched in a warm smile.