Uncloaking Me

My trek over this lifetime so far seems to have been "looking at actions and my part in choice from different perspectives."  I found much in Scientology with which I could agree - even knowing of the Aleister Crowley and occult connections.  This leg of my self-education, or more accurately, self-awakening, included a fall into the darkly abysmal well of a relationship with  (in my evaluation) a psychopath and his "nutter" clan.  Does it matter that the presence was one of psychopathy?  Only in the sense that the life structuring and dynamics of relationships fell totally into an alien-to-me realm.

Creating with a backdrop of teachings from various sources including Christian ethics, I worked with this element with the same techniques I would have with sane individuals.  Sane is an interesting word.  It can be defined as  operating from a mentally sound mind, able to anticipate and evaluate the precipitate of one's own actions.  From the viewpoint of humanity's survival and using the best choices for nurturing individuality with conscience, these entities would fall far adrift of the mark.

Was evil a part of the mix?  To me, with an emotional response to that term, that gives great power to their presence.  And, I surely felt that to be the case when permitting myself to be engulfed by them and their drives.  I even took on the causes, usually because it made me feel that I was contributing to something greater in the long run.  The offensively reprehensible character of these folks lay in their tunnel-visioned approach to living.  Most of us in the realm of "sanity" look toward the greater view in our actions.  Whether brain functionality altered for these folks or an evolutionary offshoot, the behaviors cut into my soul.

It has only been in the recent time that I see I actually had and now have choice in giving permission for this.  I don't mean to appear less than understanding of those in this particular trap.  I was there, too, and the pain registered a horrific and frightening flux in my life.  As I have sought at first answers as to how this occurred, the awareness has now reached me that my real quest has been to learn about the core of myself.

Although I have not engaged in looking deeply into a study called Idenics, it did plant a thought within me.  John Galusha, one of the hosts for this idea,  and Hubbard were connected in delving into the human condition at one period, but diverged.  I don't believe it would be accurate or fair to describe this particular application of knowledge to be an offshoot of Scientology because the vantage point of learning is strictly from oneself and not in grafting onto the concepts of others as in the processing of Scientology.  Mike Goldstein has carried the site forward today and I mention him by way of giving credit for this survival idea.

The thought that came to me is that I actually have more than power and even knowledge.  I have the ability to use it.  Yes, that's such a simple idea, but in my life experiences, many times I have opted for being a follower.  Bits of phrases and even concepts hit home and I took those to use almost as adornments or even garments as I moved in daily life.  Stumbling from my comfort zone after the "Twilight Zone" effect of my strange and pathological relationship, I can visualize a gift.  Not that I'd choose to do it quite that way again for the purpose of learning, mind you.

Working on handling the situation and myself - looking at who I created for that role in my life - it struck me that it just wasn't all that serious.  Oh, it surely appeared to be so to me at the time of unbelievable upset and agitation.  I had forgotten that I decided in favor of a particular style of me going into and continuing with the oddball interrelationships.  The binding with these participants had me constantly in my psyche's wardrobe closet.

Well, I'll be darned.  For anyone deeply entrenched in "where I once was," this may seem as so superficially pie-in-the-sky hype.  And it might well be so.  But, for me, I am no longer afraid that I will not know who I truly am.  And with this simple cognizance,  I am freer today than I was then.  What is my own stumbling block now?  My blogs have been a map of my progress as I've scouted just what to do with this lifetime.  For much of my living time, I have thought romantic relationships and the handling and movement of money attainable to me to be my distinguishing pinpoints of focus in this here and now.  Suddenly, the romantic relationships no longer exist as localized impact.  Money stands out and just maybe it isn't money so much as the flow of life energy.  

Did I buy into ideas that I had accepted all along as how I should act and operate and just what role I was to play? It could be.  If so, I have been an unstoppable actor of no small skill because I lost touch with that inner core of myself.  Will any of my "grand words of wisdom" help another?  I don't know, but I do know that for the first time in longer than I can remember, I am not afraid to draw back the curtain on me.  Much as in the "Wizard of Oz."  I have journeyed down some truly bizarre roadways.  A wonderful poem by T.S. Eliot has been coming into my mind's view off and on through this stretch of knowledge gathering: "Little Gidding V."

"We shall not cease from exploration 
And the end of all our exploring 
Will be to arrive where we started 
And know the place for the first time.
Through the unknown, remembered gate
When the last of earth left to discover
Is that which was the beginning;
At the source of the longest river
The voice of the hidden waterfall
And the children in the apple-tree
Not known, because not looked for 
But heard, half heard, in the stillness
Between the two waves of the sea.
Quick now, here, now, always--
A condition of complete simplicity
(Costing not less than everything)
And all shall be well and
All manner of things shall be well
When the tongues of flame are in-folded
Into the crowned knot of fire
And the fire and the rose are one."