Just what positive effects are to be gleaned from running into a psychopath and facing the fallout in the aftermath with this totally narcissistic and alien presence of no empathy? For me it was that I survived. Although within the black hole of emotional devastation and financial decimation, it shook me to the quick of my belief systems.
I just love the trilogy movie series, "The Prophecy." We see Christopher Walken playing the terrifically disillusioned and disheartened angel, Gabriel. He becomes tainted by the negatives he once stood firmly to mediate within God's grand scheme...and he once had a clear line of communication with The Creator. As I have come out of the haze of anguish and disbelief, I recognize that I have managed to become a bit less arrogant - and yet, somehow stronger. For me, the strength exists in vocalizing what is inappropriate for me. I can catch myself when I too willingly relinquish my rights and best interests to be "of benefit" to another.
Working self-employment in a very small service of office cleaning, I was delighted at how I felt I had operated with integrity and an earnest interest in the well being and forward looking success of the small office. The receptionist - once providing this same service - who became my liaison to the owner found fault with much and I discovered little I did in my sense of productivity altered her highly unfavorable opinion of me and my output. Her continual and abundant notes, tutorials, and extensions of my time-for-free made me evaluate the contract that had been altered in many aspects by this individual. After providing a harmonious environment of tidied spaces, it dawned on me that there would be no "moment of enlightenment."
This situation was as it was...there would be no change. Instead of allowing emotions to take control, I found myself aware that I was bigger than the worker-me. And I knew from deep within that I had to let go of this hopeless attempt to provide the impossible happy ending. I simply let it go - with a professional ending expressing my regret that I could not meet the increasing expectations and that in quite genuine thought wished them continued success. How else was I to see the next opportunity if I were forever "stuck" in a futile experiment?
Just as Gabriel in the movie found his place in God's plan once again, so, too, have I. Oh, I don't have the entire blueprint, but I trust once more. During my dark trek into a frightening crisis of faith, joy and peace evaporated from heart and spirit. How the storm clouds dissipated, I don't really know - blow by blow in hindsight. But, the horizon cleared and although the weather shifts, I am still me.
This reminds me of the idea and question posed, "who is doing the viewing of actions and the Big picture?" It's me, but not the me-who-has-become-enmeshed. The "see-er" is the me who knows this moment in time is just that...part of something more.
During my marriage to the psychopathic entity and his self-enthroned and totally self-absorbed clan, I lost that perspective. I became tunnel-visioned in my attempt to please, to fill in all the voids of need, and my desire to be valued. As I have come from the funk that caught me in the trap of my own creation, I have become kinder, and even gentler, but a whole lot more aware of unacceptable behaviors within my life arena.
For the first time in what seems eons, I can say with actual interest and joy, "what comes next?" Added to that, I am aware that my emotional level will color that question and I have altered my choice of adjectives. "What exciting and joyful occurrence might develop today?" It takes a bit of practice and one can't frolic in the land of "Pollyanna-ism." It poses a fascinating balancing act. But, I find I am much more myself without the face of trying to make others feel good about themselves. My responsibility in this life expands my sphere about myself and how I can be ethical and make a difference. Although compassionate, I am not the camp counselor for happiness. That would take me too close to the borders of "crazy town" again.
"Give thanks for what you are now, and keep fighting for what you want to be tomorrow." ~Fernanda Miramontes-Landeros
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